This Xmas, Give the Gift of Valby
"Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul
With his dick a great big icicle and his balls made out of snow"
-From the song "Frosty" by John Valby
If, like me, you're tired of the usual crappy Christmas novelty albums, I heartily suggest one of the greatest filthy holiday/comedy CD's ever: John Valby's "Jingle Balls" (alternately referred to as "Herniated Jingle Balls" on some sites).
Every track, a sophomoric parody of a classic christmas tune, substitutes the traditional yule-time lyrics with offensive, racist rants and fratboy-level sex-&-poop humor. If you, like me and most of my developmentally arrested friends, find that kind of comedy funny then you'll be giggling like a mongoloid shortly after throwing the CD in your player. Each track strives (and succeeds! Yay!) to be more filthy, misogynistic and racist than the next.
Ostensibly a concept album, the plot revolves around Dr. Dirty — Valby's alter ego — visiting Pixieland, a place filled with perverted versions of Santa's elves, and performing a debauched concert during the Holidays. Accompanying himself on piano, Valby, with tongue firmly in cheek, has a filthy, yet somehow good-natured sense of humor. Often accompanied by one or more "pixies" who are most likely uncredited studio performers and buddies of Valby singing through a recording-studio machine that makes them all sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks on acid. The production is primitive, but perfectly in tune with the less-than-highbrow nature of the whole affair.
Needless to say, if your idea of naughty is an occasional "darn" from those unfunny inbreds on the blue-collar "comedy" tour, you definitely need to look elsewhere. And don't listen to this one until long after you've put the kids to bed unless you want a call from the principal when little Timmy gets caught teaching his friends every dirty word and racial epithet in the english language.
Highlights include "It's Beginning to Look (Alot Like Syphillis)", "White Christmas", "I Be Home For Christmas" ("If only for free food"), the non-Christmas jewel "Kansas City" ("Gonna fuck your titties") and "Hark the Harelipped Angel Sings" — my personal favorite.
*******
On a totally unrelated note, as of this posting, the Patriots are favored by 27 points over the Jets this weekend. Heh. I find that amusing. Spreads that huge are virtually unheard of in the pros. Were I a Jets fan (and thank god I'm not), I'd be more bitter and angry than usual.
Happy Holidays!
8 comments:
Speaking as a qualified negro, my favorite on this album is "Leroy the Big-Lipped Nigger," sung to the tune of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer," in which we get a marvelously offensive ditty that simultaneously attacks blacks, Italians, and, from out of nowhere, the Polish.
And many of the pixie voices are rovided by Valby himself, albeit filtered through studio FX mixing (the one who exclaims about the "lowlife scum-nut" is definitely Valby). And if you ever have the opportunity to see this guy perform live, don't miss it and be prepared to see a drunken audience composed of the lowest dregs of humanity, both male and female. I saw him live back in 1989 and was horrified/delighted by the audience's antic, much of which was instigated by Valby himself. One of the friends I was with flashed her tits at the crowd when requested to do so, I contributed a glorious high-yellow moon, and my pal "Yukon" got so drunk that he went out side of the bar and projectile vomited all over the gigantic picture window, liquor foam and partially-digested hot wings showering in a technicolor fantasy.
Hey, you lazy guinea! Write something new, for fuck's sake! This shit's been up for nearly a month!
I concur with Buncheman... put up something new for fucks sake!
Let's see, over four months since your last post. That leads me to conclude that you have died, so now all that's left is for me to dig up and fuck your mouldering cadaver.
It's been nearly six months since your last post, you lazy Guinzo fuck!
Congratulations, fuckface! It's now a goddamned half a year since your last new post. Way to go!
Congrats John! It's been over a year since you actually posted anything. A job well done sir!
It's about time we got to read some more of yer blog. It's been nearly 4 years. Think my Apple Mac Pro Eight Core 3.0gHz 2008 Specs (MacPro 3,1 A1186) was released around the time you last posted anything useful. I'm guessing that the recession hit you hard man!
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