I'm Back! So is the NFL!

Ok. So it's been a while since my last post. I was busy. Had some family business. It was Summer. I'm back. Figured I'd celebrate my return with NFL predictions. I encourage any and all comments. Please feel free to agree or call me the biggest no-nothing dipshit on the planet. Come January, I'm going to revisit these predictions and hopefully brag about what a genius I am...

NFC

East

Dallas (Predicted Finish: 10-6)

Thanks to Bill Parcells, the Cowboys have some talent, probably enough to win the East. Unfortunately they no longer have living-legend Tuna and, instead, are now coached by easy-going Wade Phillips, who's yet to win anything of importance in the NFL. He gets to corral a bunch of prima-donnas and head-cases; especially on offense.

Leading NFL psycho Terrell Owens is one year older and a couple of meltdowns away from tearing the locker-room apart, especially now that Parcells is no longer there to manage him.

Julius Jones claims he's going to thrive now that Parcells is no longer there to "hold him back". What a shithead! When was the last time Tuna kept a runner from breaking out? I don't recall Joe Morris, Otis Anderson or Curtis Martin claiming he held them back. You know why? They were good. Jones is an over-rated, crappy platoon back with an inexplicably big ego. What's he going to say when Phillips "holds him back" as well? What a dickweed. Marion Barber will get all his touchdowns, anyway.

QB Tony Romo begins his second year as a starter. He might be good someday, but he's just average right now. Cowboys fans are in for a harsh quarterback reality check this year. At least Tom Brady won a Superbowl before he started fucking celebrities.

Still, the defense is talented enough to overcome the deficiencies in the offense and just barely win the East. Unfortunately, with the toxic stew of personalities on this team, the Cowboys will implode sometime around Week 13 and crap out in Round One of the Playoffs. Count on it.

Philadelphia (Predicted Finish: 10-6)

The Eagles have a healthy Donovan McNabb, who was on pace for an All-pro season before getting hurt last year. I wonder if all those retarded Eagles fans who booed his selection still want Ricky Williams? Those jerkoffs never deserved a player as good as McNabb.

Bryant Westbrook is the most dangerous RB in the division and WR Reggie Brown is actually halfway decent. Who'da thunk it? The Eagles have a non-psychotic above-average receiver. I believe that's one of the first signs of the apocalypse.

Suffice to say, they'll be battling Dallas for the division title.

New York (Predicted Finish: 8-8)

The players hate Coach Tom Coughlin and will never perform with enough heart to reach the next level. That's human nature. That's the Giants. Besides, the Cowboys and Eagles have better talent. I think Coughlin will be fired at the end of the season.

Freakishly huge Brandon Jacobs should be a decent back (if he stays healthy) but he's not going to replace Tiki Barber anytime soon. Who could?

Eli Manning is, and will be, a better QB than alot of the stupider fans on the message boards give him credit for. He's not Peyton. Never will be. It would be nice, however, if he can cut down on some of his more cement-headed mistakes.

Much like last year, the G-Men will be mediocre.

Washington (Predicted Finish: 6-10)

The Skins will suck this year and angry smurf owner Dan Snyder will throw another tantrum and overpay for even more shitty players.

Second year QB Jason Campbell is still learning. Injury-prone RB Clinton Portis isn't the runner he used to be and their top two wideouts are undersized and scare no one.

The Redskins have some talent on defense, especially in the secondary, but it won't be enough to overcome the past several years of awful drafts and personnel moves. Joe Gibbs will be crying for Riggins and The Hogs before week 8.

North

Chicago (Predicted Finish: 11-5)

The Bears are lucky they're in the worst division in football. Only Green Bay will have a pulse this year so I expect Chicago to finish 7-1 in their division. After that, they have enough defensive talent to split their eight non-division games.

Their offense, led by Rex "The Wonder Dog" Grossman, scares no one except their fans. And don't expect Devin Hester to score 75 return TD's this year. The smarter teams will kick away from him.

Green Bay (Predicted Finish: 8-8)

The Packers are improving, especially on defense. But Brett Favre is my age and they appear to be employing a crappy-running-back-by-committee strategy that's sure to get Favre killed while trying to pass out of so many 3rd and long situations. Favre's favorite target, WR Donald Driver is nursing a sprained foot.

Detroit (Predicted Finish: 6-10)

Detroit's like the Cardinals - there's loads of offensive talent here, yet every year, the Lions shit the bed. Still, rookie WR Calvin Johnson is going to be Terrell Owens minus the team-killing paranoia, and other WR Roy Williams is already one of the best in the game. If QB John Kitna can remember to only throw the ball to the guys with the Honolulu blue jerseys, maybe Detroit can win six games.

Broncos failure Tatum Bell is subbing for the underrated Kevin Jones (who's out with that french foot injury) for at least the first 3rd of the season. Bell simply isn't that good.

Oh, and the defense, though it'll improve over last year, still stinks like feet.

As an aside, the Lions' mascot is nicknamed "Roary". They must have consulted Homer Simpson.

Minnesota (Predicted Finish: 5-11)

The Vikings have a pretty good run defense. They also have some guy named Tavaris tossing the ball to a bunch of unknown wide receivers. Minnesota might have a decent running game this year, but opposing defenses will feast on this team, nonetheless.

South

New Orleans (Predicted Finish: 12-4)

After the Chargers, the Aints might be the most talented team in the NFC. It's almost unfair how many offensive studs they have. If the Defense can even play near to the level of the O, New Orleans could go all the way to the Superbowl.

Carolina (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

There's a good amount of talent on this team. QB Jake DelHomme is underrated, WR Steve Smith is among the best in the game and DL Julius Peppers is a monster. John Fox is a hell of a coach and will get the most out of his players. If ownership gets stupid and fires him at the end of the season, I'd love to see him coaching the Giants next year.

Tampa Bay (Predicted Finish: 6-10)

Their offensive line was so abysmal last year, QB Chris Simms was literally almost killed when he got his spleen vaporized by one of the many jailbreaks he had to endure. So signing gimpy-backed former Giant Luke Petitgout was a smart move. Still, new sacrificial QB Jeff Garcia better not wear heels as he's going to be running for his life all year.

RB Carnell "Cadillac" Williams runs more like my '91 Nissan Stanza and Joey Galloway, though allegedly still fast, is 174 years old. I'm predicting 6 wins because they still have an OK defense and the Falcons will simply be more awful this year.

Maybe Caoch Jon Gruden needs Tony Dungy to come back and rebuild this team for him so he can win again. Talk about overrated...

Atlanta (Predicted Finish: 4-12)

Now that Mike Vick's won the coveted "Stupidest Fucking Asshole of the 21st Century Award" and gotten himself banned from the league, what will the Falcons do? Well, they're going to collapse, baby! Granted, they would have bit the turd with Vick, but with Joey Harrington, they'll bite it just a teensy bit harder.

West

San Francisco (Predicted Finish: 10-6)

The Niners will surprise some people this year. They've got a great young back in Frank Gore, an improving franchise QB in Alex Smith and a potential top 5 tight end in Vernon Davis. I like where this team is going.

Aside from Arizona, who will stink at least one more year, all the teams in this division are close and, really, any one of them could end up in first place at the end. I'm picking San Fran, but it could just as easily be...

St Louis (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

Between QB Marc Bulger, RB Stephen Jackson and WRs Tory Holt and Isaac Bruce, he Rams have some great weapons on offense. Problem is, Holt's a year older and has a bad knee. He's a huge part of their offense so if he's slowed, they're going to have difficulty covering for their run-of-the-mill defense.

Seattle (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

If Shawn Alexander returns to form, the Seahawks will do better than .500. Who's Matt Hasselback going to throw to? Deion Branch is OK, but someone else better emerge. The defense is still pretty good but this team is aging quickly.

Either way, I believe their window of opportunity has closed.

Arizona (Predicted Finish: 6-10)

Every year, "experts" all over the country pick the Cardinals to be THE break-out team. Yet, even with all that talent and offensive firepower, they continue to lose like the French in front of Hitler. Then, after the season, most of the same "experts" point to the shitty, underachieving offensive line and defense that seems to love giving up big plays.

I don't see that changing this year. They've done nothing to improve the O-line so Edgerrin James will continue to languish. Matt Leinert, should he not get killed, will put up good numbers playing catch-up all season with his two excellent wide receivers.

AFC

East

New England (Predicted Finish: 13-3)

In between fucking super models, Tom Brady should be completing a ton of passes to his newly upgraded receiving corps. Whatever deal he made with Satan for this incredibly charmed life he's leading was worth it. I hate him.

Anyway, despite an aging defense, the Patriots are good enough to win the Superbowl and have to be early favorites to do just that.

New York (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

Signing RB Thomas Jones was great move, as he replaces the cavalcade of worthless shitheads the Jets "ran" last season. Spaghetti-armed Chad Pennington is healthy for the first time in years and Coach Eric Mangini is being labeled "Mangenius". While I think it's a bit early to declare his divinity, he appears to have picked up a thing or two from Bill Belichick.

Who knows? Maybe Jets fans will have less reason to be so hate-filled and devoid of hope for the future. But probably not.

Buffalo (Predicted Finish: 7-9)

QB JP Losman showed some flashes last year. It appears he might turn into a good player sooner rather than later. WR Lee Evans is dangerous, but none of the other Bills receivers are. Rookie RB Marshawn Lynch could be good, but who can tell with rookies?

The Bills are improving on both sides of the ball, but they're still a year or two away from playoff contention.

Miami (Predicted Finish: 5-11)

Trent Green is an improvement over whichever zero the Dolphins trotted out at quarterback last year, but he's over the hill and the offensive line does everything well except for their annoying habit of not actually blocking anyone. Chris Chambers was a viable receiver until he replaced all his limbs with cement.

Is Ronnie Brown officially considered a bust, yet? If not, he will after this year. I've seen nothing from him to prove otherwise. Talk about a workout wonder.

North

Baltimore (Predicted Finish: 10-6)

The Ravens have a good defense led by the aging Ray Lewis. They have an adequate offense led by aging Steve McNair. Though not a huge upgrade, newly-signed sourpuss Willis McGahee is an improvement over cement-footed former jailbird Jamal Lewis.

The Ravens aren't the most exiting team, but they should be good enough to win this division.

Cincinnati (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

I see quite a few 35 - 31 games in store for the Bengals. Fantasy owners should be thrilled as the offense, loaded with elite talent, is going to have to score early and often to cover for what is, at best, a pedestrian defense.

If the D can improve even a little over last year, Cincy could challenge Baltimore for first in the North.

I drafted Rudi Johnson with the eighth pick overall in my fantasy league for a reason, as he's good for almost 1300 yards and 8 to 12 TDs every year. Rudi! Rudi! Rudi!

Pittsburgh (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

Winning the Superbowl was the worst thing to happen to Ben Roethliesburger. It fooled him and the Steeler's fan-base into thinking he's a much better QB than he actually is. He won't be as awful as last year, nor will he be the all-pro some think he is.

The Steelers won it all two years ago because they had a tough, talented, well-coached team. Bill Cowher's retired (I hope he's on the Giants short list of candidates for next year) and I think that's going to have a bigger effect on the team than some might think. They still have plenty of talent there: Willie Parker is a gamebreaker and the defense can still dominate. WR Hines Ward is old but reliable, and Santonio Holmes is ready to break out.

That being said, I don't think they're any better (or worse) than the other two good teams in their division.

Cleveland (Predicted Finish: 4-12)

The Browns are shit. Years of drafting the likes of Courtney Brown, Gerrard Warren, and Tim Couch have reduced Cleveland to a wasteland. There's hope for the future, though. If the Browns management remains stable and they have a few more drafts like the latest one, they might reach .500 or better within three years or so. They're certainly going to have high draft picks for the next few years and there's hope they'll use them well.

It's a bad sign when Coach Romeo Crennell has to flip a coin to pick his starting QB. "Prized" free-agent pick up RB Jamal "Jailbird" Lewis is washed up and slow. It's hard to believe people are saying that Crennell might be on the hot seat this year. Vince Lombardi couldn't win with this team.

I'd love to see TE Kellen "Easy Rider" Winslow Jr. shut the fuck up for more than a minute. He sure ain't his old man...

South

Indianapolis (Predicted Finish: 12-4)

The Colts have Manning, Harrison, Wayne and Addai. They'll outscore most of their opponents. Whether that's good enough to win the Superbowl again is debatable. Then again, they couldn't stop Stephen Hawking from gaining an easy hundy last year and Manning still found a way to win it all. I'll bet this year will be more of the same. The big difference is the Patriots have improved and the Colts haven't.

Jacksonville (Predicted Finish: 9-7)

I guess Coach Jack Del Rio is done fucking with QB Byron Leftwich's head, as they're trying to trade him. Last year, he benched Leftwich in favor of backup David Garrard, who, predictably, played like a back-up. Now Garrard will be the unquestioned starter, though he has yet to play like one.

The sign of a great coach us one who adapts his system to the talent on his team, not the other way around. Bill Parcells was skilled at that. Jeff Fisher in Tennesee is as well. Del Rio doesn't appear capable of that, but this season will tell.

The Jags have good weapons on both sides of the ball but they were better with Leftwich.

Tennessee (Predicted Finish: 7-9)

Vince Young is a born leader, athletic and smart, he's a future superstar in the NFL. He's still got a ways to go in the passing game and his receivers won't help him much. Neither will the running-back by committee the Titans seem intent on using.

This team is up-and-coming but they still need another year or two to really start contending.

Houston (Predicted Finish: 5-11)

I guess we'll find out pretty soon if QB Matt Schaub should've remained a career backup or not. Either way, I'l bet former scapegoat QB David Carr is thrilled to have escaped this mess in one piece.

The Texans have some good young players, like WR Andre Johnson and LB DeMeco Ryans, but that won't be enough to help them this year.

West

San Diego (Predicted Finish: 13-3)

The Chargers are loaded on both sides of the ball. Their only weaknesses are average wideouts and an inexperienced QB. Two deficiencies made up for with RB Ladainian Tomlinson and TE Antonio Gates. It's unfair that a team has the best player in the NFL at two respective positions.

If they don't make it to at least the NFC Championship game, this year will have to be considered a failure. That's a distinct possibility with perennial head-coaching failure Norv Turner running things. That guy inspires no confidence.

Denver (Predicted Finish: 10-6)

The Broncos will benefit by playing KC and the Raiders twice each. That's four wins right there. I think they're good enough to get six more and make the playoffs. QB Jay Cutler is still learning but RB Travis "Baby Daddy" Henry should do well in this system. He's the first legitimate starting RB the Broncos have had since Clinton Portis. Besides, I hear he knocks up a different groupie between every offensive series!

The defense has some star-power in Champ Baily and will be respectable.

Still, Denver had two off-season deaths. Sometimes that can throw a team off.

Kansas City (Predicted Finish: 5-11)

Herm Edwards is a lousy, over-rated, overmatched coach. He sucked with the Jets, and he sucks now. I don't blame Larry Johnson for holding out now since everyone knows Edwards is going to run him into an early retirement.

Now that senior citizen QB Trent Green is gone, The Chiefs won't have even a little passing game to take the pressure off Johnson. I bet some daring team will play them with nothing but goal-line defenses betting that Edwards won't adjust, continuing to run Johnson into brick walls.

Oakland (Predicted Finish: 3-13)

The Raiders will be battling it out with Cleveland for first pick in the draft next year. Maybe crazy old man, Al Davis will actually sign next years poor draftee before September. Who knows? If I were Jamarcus Russell, I'd want to stay away from this mess as long as possible, too.

Everyone says Oakland has a good defense, but they only won two games last year. How good could they be?