Hey Kids! Comics!! 03-12-07

After tending to family business for a while, I had a lot of catching up to do with my comic reading. Luckily, I made it back to the comic shop just before my brain started to solidify from lack of funny pages!

Captain America #25

Captain America's dead. Whatever. He'll be back. Multi-book crossovers such as Civil War suck ass. They're just a cynical ploy to separate fans from their money. Look elsewhere and avoid the hype. The biggest surprise is that there are people stupid enough to pay $60 or more for this crapola on Ebay. I can't wait until it's available for cover price in a year or less. Fucking morons. For a more thorough review of this bullshit, check out my buddy Steve's blog.

Criminal #5

Whoa. I appreciate when a writer has the stones to kill off major characters he's spent months developing into more than just disposable parodies of junkies and drug addicts. Writer Ed Brubaker has written one brutal, excellent book and Sean Phillips art is perfect for his gritty storylines. Criminal has easily been one of the best books available for a while now and I'm sorry that with this issue the current storyline is done. If you haven't bought it yet, you can jump on the bandwagon next month as a whole new story with mostly new characters is being started. Join the fun. It's worth it.

Fallen Angel #13

The Angel is forced to defend the city's top drug dealer against her son, who wants to clean things up. He's a naive idiot and is put in his place in a big way by the end of this issue. This book clearly illustrates the important and necessary role drug dealers play in our society. It's just so deep, man.... Seriously, if you haven't been reading this book, I don't know what to tell you. You'd be lost joining in now. Try a collected volume if you're curious. It's a good time!

Fantastic Four: The End #6 (of 6)

So concludes the most confusing mini-series of the year! The FF go forward in time and then back (I think) to save Reed and Sue's kids from perishing with Dr. Doom 20 years ago. OK. Sure. Why not? In the meantime, for no particular reason, Galactus saves the Solar System from invading hordes of Aliens and other unworthy foreigners. It seems all of Earth's heroes were pretty useless. Aside from the incredibly convoluted story, my big problem with this book is Alan Davis' portrayal of Dr. Doom as a demented idiot. I don't buy it. Doom is way too cool and arrogant to act like the vicious moron he's shown to be here. On the positive side, Davis is an amazing artist and it's clear he put a whole lot of TLC into every page of this book. If only his story was as good as his art. Buy the collected and see if you can figure out what happened. I dare you.

Jonah Hex #17

Jonah trains the female version of himself to exact revenge on all her enemies, of whom there are many. She's just as damaged, both psychically and physically, as he is. If not more so. Yet somehow, she retains her feminine hotness and curvaceous supermodel-like body. I love comics! At least writers Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti don't annoy us with some foolish and unnecessary sexual tension: Jonah and his protegé knock boots like they were starring in a straight, yet demented version of Brokeback Mountain. Yeah, Jonah!! Git in on!! Anyway, I don't think I'd be spoiling any major surprises by revealing that lots of violence and death ensue before the end of the issue. And as a bonus, Gray and Palmiotti throw in some goofy Indian — I mean Native American — mysticism. How? How much you bet? This isn't the best issue of Hex ever done, but I liked hot female protegés so I'd say it's worth your time and hard-earned filthy lucre.

Justice #10 (of 12)

Alex Ross is so good, he could've almost made Dark Knight 2 readable. Luckily, the story here isn't nearly as execrable as that Frank Miller abortion, so grab this book. Would I buy it if Ross wasn't illustrating it? Probably not. The story isn't that good. But it's still a decent read with Luthor and Brainiac pulling the strings in some huge, evil plot to conquer the world and destroy the JLA. What else is new? If I were, a betting man, I'd put my money on the heroes. Pick it up or wait for the collected, which should be much cheaper and display better on your bookshelf!

Marvel Zombies Vs. Army Of Darkness #1 (of 5)

Ash, Bruce Campbell's character from the Evil Dead movies, battles the Marvel Superhero Zombies. It's as dumb as it sounds. Just not in a good way. If the wafer-thin story doesn't turn you off, the crude art should. I recommend a pass on this high-concept, low-intelligence exercise in hastily done adolescent bad taste. If that's what you're looking for, pick up War of the Undead, which revels in it's idiocy way more effectively.

Shazam: The Monster Society Of Evil #2 (of 4)

Bone creator Jeff Smith continues his reinterpretation of Captain Marvel and his posse. To no one's surprise, the Big Red Cheese comes off pretty good here. Overall, Smith does an excellent job with the script and storytelling. His interpretation of Billy and Mary Batson is way too young for my taste, but his Sivana — one of the most underrated evil genius/goofball characters in comix history — is appropriately oily. Check it out! Or save a few bucks and wait for the collected edition. The greedy bastards at DC are sure to put one out within days of the final issue's printing.

Supergirl and the Legion of Superheroes #27

I always had a problem with putting Kryptonians in team books because, aside from companionship and a secret need to show off, Kryptonians don't really need the help all that often. They're practically all-powerful. Does Superman really need any assistance beating the shit out of Starro or whatever doofy villain du-jour the JLA faces every month? Of course not. That being said, I always liked putting Superboy and Supergirl in the 30th century Legion of Superheroes, as the advanced technology should, in theory, equalize and/or neutralize a lot of what they bring to the table and offer them a challenge and the need for a team once in a while. Or writer Mark Waid, like many before him, can just ignore most of the super-advanced technology and just dumb down Supergirl, which is essentially what he's done. This isn't a major beef, but it still irks me. Anyway, the problems with this issue are far greater than my philosophical differences about including Kryptonians in super-groups. It seems the Dominators (who never seem to actually dominate much) have infected Earth with a super-duper computer virus that destroys anything with a microchip. The ease with which they accomplish this implies that they don't have firewalls or IT security and the world is still run by MS Windows in the 30th century. It's just pathetic. This story just gets dumber by the issue and I'm losing interest.

Walking Dead #35

All our favorite characters escape from Helltown (or whatever it was called) only to discover their prison refuge (how fucking symbolic is that, muthafucka?) is overrun with zombies. Oh, the pathos! Oh, the humanity! Not too much happens in this issue as it's is really just a bridge between the previous issue and the next. Still, at least one character is obviously going bug-fuck crazy and the rest are just as damaged as before. Nothing new there. This book is great for people who feel they're too fortunate in life and need to be taken down a peg or two. Enjoy. For more comic reviews and other insanity, check out Jared's Blog. Be sure to give him a a piece of your mind.