Christmas Music

Let's face it, most Christmas music sucks. 99% of it is the same recycled crap performed by uninterested hacks trying to cash in on the holiday season spending orgy.

Of course, the reason most Christmas standards are continually covered is that they were usually great songs to begin with. Judy Garland's original version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" still packs the same emotional impact today that it did for the wartime audiences it was written for. Unfortunately, when it's crapped out by a talentless dipshit like Michael Bolton, for example, it means nothing and offers even less except as mindless playlist fodder for easy-listeninng radio stations during the holidays. I suspect this is what people complain about when they say they're sick to death of Christmas music. I can't blame them. I am as well.

The way I see it, if you're going to release a non-comedy Christmas album it had better be either incredibly great or asstastically, over-the-top awful. Anything in between will be quickly forgotten and thoroughly resented. Novelty songs, some of which are overplayed as much as anything on the air, generate equal amounts of love and loathing amongst the most people. I don't mind hearing the Jingle Dogs or Cats a few times during the holidays, which, while stupid, have that certain level of awfulness that can clear out a room after a few plays. I appreciate that in a novelty song. They annoy me much less than anything by the fucking Chipmunks, which aggressively suck on a level most bad music only aspires to. Some people, for unknown reasons love the Chipmunks. They clearly lack intelligence and good taste, which I suppose is a prerequisite for even tolerating the Chipmunks in the first place.

One of the greatest christmas albums ever is A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi. The score to the classic holiday special of the same name, it stands on it's own as a great piece of holiday music and a superbly catchy example of contemporary jazz. Even jazz haters like myself like this album, due as much to nostalgia as to it's obvious quality.

The ranks of awful Christmas music swell every year during the holidays. Most is forgotten by December 26th only to be refoisted upon the public sometime after Halloween. Some songs, however transcend their own vileness and, at least in my house, become holiday classics all on their own. A few years ago, I picked up the excellent compilation album, Punk Rock Xmas, which includes some gems guaranteed to get your toes a tappin'!

One of my favorites is "Daddy Drank Our Christmas Money" by TVTV$. A hilariously venomous song about alcoholism and shitty parenting. After the titular Daddy introduces the song by explaining how there won't be any gifts this year because, though he drank all the family Christmas money, "...at least I got a buzz!". With non-sentiment like that, how can you go wrong? The song then kicks into high gear as the lead singer screams "...Let's go kick his butt!!" among other heartfelt sentiments. There's no happy ending, just anger and acceptance set to a good beat.

The Harvard Independent, in a scathing review, described the song perfectly, but still failed to get why it's so cool:

"...the atrociously updated carol focuses on the negative effects of alcohol on materialistic gift-giving. We must ask, which is the lyrics' bigger sociological problem? The alcoholism of the children's father, or the children's biggest complaint about said alcoholism: that they can no longer get expensive gifts?...TVTV$'s fiendish brats just want to be able to tear open fancy-schmancy toys."

Now, besides the reviewer's obvious lack of a sense of humor, in my mind, mindless materialism and the greed of little kids makes this song infinitely more honest, and funny, than any songs espousing the "Christmas Spirit". Anyone who says that getting as much swag as possible was not the most important thing to them when they were kids is lying. Plain and simple. The fact that the song is delivered with an infectious punk attitude just adds to the fun!

Another great track is the ridiculously offensive "Here Comes Santa's Pussy" by The Frogs. Just a quick glance at the lyrics offers up a vision of Santa as a gay child serial killer. Now that's Christmas!

"Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division is exactly what you think it is. The opening stanza sets the hilarious tone for the song:

"You'll probably get sweaters Underwear and socks But what you'd really like for Christmas Is a nice hard cock..."

The rest of the song proceeds to get into sticking candy canes in anus' and other fun, gay activities. That's musical gold! The perfect gift for mom this year!

Not all the songs on Punk Rock Xmas are by unknowns. It also includes a slew of legendary punk bands such as The Ramones, Fear, The Damned, Stiff Little Fingers and The Dickies. I highly recommend you pick it up!