Hey Kids! Comics!! 02-22-07

It wasn't a bad week at my local comic shop. Four of my regular books were in, which is two more than last week and there were no asstastic stinkers like The Dark Tower to ruin my day.

Brave And The Bold #1

Wow. It's a throwback week for me as DC revives one of my favorite team-up books from the 70's. The only thing missing is Jim Aparo's groovy, Adams-inspired art, but luckily, they hired the great George Perez in his place. While Perez isn't in top form here, even average George is better than 95% of comic art out there.

Anyway, this issue teams up Batman and Green Lantern to solve an intergalactic murder-mystery. It's at least a two-parter and it seems they're not going to adhere to the traditional Batman and whoever format as next issue co-stars GL and Supergirl.

That annoys me. So what if the story takes place in another galaxy? Batman needs to be there, godammit!

Anyway, this issue was fun, though the story got a little over-complicated. I'll give the next a shot just to see where writer Mark Waid is going. Try it!

Criminal Macabre #3

As evidenced by my gushing reviews of the first two issues, I love this book and it just seems to get better with every issue. Steve Niles mixes horror and comedy as well as any writer in the business and artist Kyle Hotz' Kelly Jones/Bernie Wrightson inspired art sets the mood just right for this gory, nasty, yet funny detective story.

Cal MacDonald, sober against his will for the first time in years, must take on Nosferatu, Lord of the Undead, who's holding his girlfriend hostage. His reasons for messing with Cal have yet to be revealed, but Cal, fuck up that he is, probably deserves it.

This book rocks. Pick it up.

Hellblazer #229

This is the best Hellblazer in months. It's only one issue, the story is easy to follow and plays to Constantine's strength as a character — that of a womanizing, know-it-all dick-head who really does know it all. The previous arc, besides being too long and convoluted, sometimes portrayed Constantine as a depressed, whiney puss. John Constantine does not whine! This issue is a nice return to form.

If you're going to start reading Hellblazer, now's a good time as this one-shot marks the end of Mike Carey's mixed bag of a run. A new creative team takes over with next issue.

I recommend you pick up this issue simply because it's fun. I'm looking forward to the next as historically Hellblazer's always been graced with better-than-average creative teams and a shot in the arm of new blood bodes well for this character.

Legion Of Monsters: Werewolf By Night #1

This was purely a nostalgia purchase for me. Way back in 1975, Werewolf By Night #32 was one of the first comics I ever read. I was 7 years old and that issue scared the crap out me — It had Werewolf of course, and it was the first appearance of Moon Knight!

My babysitter's boyfriend bribed me with comics to keep my mouth shut about his visits during her "working hours". He had good taste — she was cute and, judging by the fact that she was giving it up while supposedly watching two small children, not all that responsible.

His bribery must have worked because I don't think my Mom ever found out. In hindsight, I should've held out for more. I wonder if he got lucky that night? Who'd have thought my lifelong love of horror comics is a direct result of my babysitter's out-of-control libido? Life is funny that way.

Anyway, this comic's alright. It's split between a story starring the title character and one featuring the Monster Of Frankenstein, a lesser star amongst Marvel's 70's horror offerings.

Both stories are drawn beautifully. The Werewolf By Night offering is illustrated in a tight, hyper-realistic style by Greg Land and Jay Leisten and it's really slick. I'd love to see these guys do a miniseries with this character.

The Frankenstein half is expressively written and rendered by Skottie Young, who has almost the direct opposite style of Land, but it works just as well, if not better, and has way more feeling. This guy needs a regular horror series.

Story-wise, both are marginally interesting. Neither made me sit up and take notice or even stop half-watching Mythbusters.

If you're a fan of great art and can deal with nondescript, inoffensive stories, give this book a try.

Red Menace #4 (of 6)

Damn, that Jerry Ordway can draw.

This story about the McCarthy red scare witch-hunts in the 50's and the superheroes it destroys has been done before, but it's at least written well enough so as to not interfere with Ordway's superb art and storytelling. He reminds me of a much more dynamic Curt Swan in that he can draw anything and draw it well.

At some point, this will be collected so don't feel as if you're missing anything by not picking it up right this second.

Rex Mundi #4

This alternate historical comic continues to be well written and paced. The art is just OK, but the story's what keeps me coming back for more.

In the world of Rex Mundi, magic exists, the Royalty of Europe never fell and WWI never happened. It also suggests that mankind is so inherently stupid, corrupt and easily manipulated that the rise of the Nazis and fascism was inevitable and religion is truly the root of all evil. Can't say I disagree. Maybe that's why I like it.

There's also plenty of nonsense about the Holy Grail and Jesus' bloodline for all you religious conspiracy nuts.

Don't sweat the rather clumsy art, it's secondary to the complex, yet well-done, narrative anyway.

If you haven't read this book before, do yourself a favor and pick up the collected editions or you'll be completely lost. It's a hell of a story and won't disappoint.

Fables Volume 8: Wolves

This is the latest collected volume of Bill Willingham's excellent series.

In this installment, Snow White and Bigby finally tie the knot. As expected, there's plenty of suspense and derring-do to go around as Bigby, much to the Adversary's lament, cements his reputation as the most dangerous Fable this side of Little Boy Blue.

This collection might be my favorite so far, as the story is tight as a drum and it has enough intrigue to fill four volumes of stories.

My only complaint about this great series is that volume 9 is not yet available. Just buy it, already.

That's it for this week. Check out Jared's blog for more reviews. Be sure to give him a piece of your mind...

Hey Kids! Comics!! 02-15-07

We had a nasty snowstorm here in the Northeast this week so I got my comics a day late. After this weeks pathetically small haul, I just should've waited.

Astonishing X-Men #20

The best X book continues to impress. Joss Whedon and John Cassady sure do take their time but the quality and care shines through. The pace of Whedon's story is deliberate but never boring. Every event and plot point is somehow important to the story or characters. And there are very few working artists today who draw as good as Cassady. I don't think he's capable of crapping out a job. The current storyline revolves around Colossus. Seems this alien race thinks he's going to destroy their world, so they try to kill him and the rest of the X-Men. Yeah, right. Now the X-men have traveled to the alien's world where much mutant ass-kicking is sure to ensue. I'm enjoying it so far, though it's torture having to wait two months for the next issue. As I said last time, this is one of the best superhero books currently being produced. It's definitely worth your hard earned bucks so pick it up.

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born #1 (of 7)

I've always found Stephen King to be a bit of an enigma. As the preeminent best selling author on the planet for the past 30 years, it's pretty clear the guy knows how to write a novel that always pleases fans and even, occasionally, critics. Why is it, then, that the majority of his other work, such as movies, TV and comics, sucks ass? Since his novels or short stories are the source material for all that awful crap, one has to assume the germ of the idea is at least decent. Still, I can count the number of truly excellent outside projects based on King's work on one hand. I have no concrete proof of this (perhaps in another blog) but it seems the more King himself is involved, the worse the project turns out. Most fans agree that the worst King-related project ever was Maximum Overdrive, the Emilio Estevez abortion about trucks that conquer the world. King himself directed that shitstain. Projects where he's had no creative involvement, such as Carrie and The Shining have been critical and financial successes. With this supposition put forth, I can only assume King wrote, drew, colored, lettered, edited and printed The Gunslinger Born. This book plain sucks donkey dick. On the surface, it sounds like a can't miss proposition: Peter David, one of fandom's best writers and Jae Lee, one of the most talented artists around ably embellished and painted by Richard Isanove, teaming up to tell the origin of one of King's more celebrated recent characters: Roland Daschain, the gunslinger from his epic, The Dark Tower. So what went wrong? For one thing the story, for another the dialogue and storytelling. Now, having enjoyed the past work of all the parties involved, I can only assume King Inc. had way too much input into too many aspects of this book. The story begins as Roland is being trained to become a gunslinger by mastering the art of falconry. FALCONRY? What does that have to do with guns? It's never explained and really, what's the difference anyway? Eventually, Roland gets pissed off because his Mom's a whore and is getting fucked/abused by some guy who may or may not be Roland's current and future sworn enemy. This is never made clear, but I assume he's evil because he has a mustache. Anyway, Roland wants revenge, again I'm not sure why or against whom, but the only way to get this is to best his teacher in combat so he can take his guns. Apparently, there's only two guns in town. He meets teacher in a duel to the death where they get to choose their weapons. Roland, having only received training in falconry, chooses....drumroll.... FALCONRY!! Ta da!! For some stupid fucking reason, everyone in the story is surprised by this. His teacher, master of all weapons and professional dealer-of-death, chooses some evil-looking blade weapon. Finally, something makes sense. Everyone thinks Roland is gonna get killed, and if this story were any good, he would be, just for being such a stupid little shit who would presume to kill a blade-weilding weapons master with a bird. Anyway, Roland wins because his master/teacher forgets to cover his eyes, which happen to be the one place Roland's bird can realistically do any damage. How fucking convenient. And idiotic. Based on my earlier theories, I really don't blame the creative team, and David specifically, for this idiocy. He probably cringed when he received script changes from King Inc. I find it hard to believe he wrote lines like this:

"Perhaps he reasons that only a man may kill another man...and to be truly a man, one must learn to wield all weapons of manhood, including the weapon that god gives man at birth"

It takes special talent to write that badly. And who describes a cock like that? Stephen King (or one of his assistants) when he's trying too hard, I guess. He used the word "man" five times in one sentence, for gods sake! Jae Lee turns in his usual professional work. Most artists would be thrilled to come close to his level of skill even when he's only half interested. It's not bad, and Isanove's coloring is very well done. There's just no love there. Not that I'll begrudge anyone doing anything for a payday, but it seems as if Lee didn't put as much thought into this project as he would have if he'd actually cared. Of course, if I liked the story, I'd probably like the art a whole lot more, also. Anyway, Roland then gets to carry guns, get laid and meet his long lost pa. Woo hoo. The end. At least until next issue, but it's the end for me, as I'll actively be avoiding any future adventures of the Gunslinger. This book wins this weeks coveted Crapola award! At the end of the year, we'll have an awards ceremony and hand out no-prizes (hows that for geekery, fanboys?).

Green Lantern Corps #9

After last issue's mess, I said I'd give this current creative team one more chance to hook me and sadly, though not surprisingly, that hasn't happened. Apparently, Guy Gardner has been recruited for some Green Lantern Black Ops Team. Why the Corps needs black operations is beyond me. Guess I'm not "with it". So anyway, this is the last of a three parter that has to do with The Dominators, who never seem to dominate anything, and a Super Dominator who's more evil than all the other Dominators put together. You can tell he's evil because he has big, sharp teeth. Anyways, the Black Ops team wins in the end and kills the evildoer. This doesn't jibe well with Guy Gardner who, despite being an alleged tough-guy-bad-ass, doesn't believe in killing. Whatever. Green Lantern Corps was so much better when Dave Gibbons was writing it. Currently, the writing, art and storytelling rates average at best. I'm done with this book.

Superman and Batman Vs Aliens and Predator #2 (of 2)

So endeth the highest of high concept books before anyone had a chance to get bored. Probably a smart move. This book is fine. The art's fine. The writing's fine. Everything's dandy. It's like chinese food. In an hour, I'll be hungry again and will have forgotten what I ate, or in this case, read. If you like the characters and the concept, buy it. Or don't. Your life won't change one way or the other, anyway. The only question I have is since when did the Fortress of Solitude become Dr. Who's Tardis? I kept expecting Supes to don a 15-foot-long scarf and jump out of a police box. Guess I must've missed some big change in the Superman mythos over the past bunch of years. Oh well...

Fables Volume 7: Arabian Nights (And Days)

In this installment, the Fables try to forge an alliance with the soon to be conquered Arabian and Middle Eastern fables. Naturally, no one trusts anyone else and much back stabbing and political intrigue ensue. It also turns out that Genie's are really dangerous and look nothing like Barbara Eden. There's also a backup story about two of Geppetto's wooden soldiers who fall in love that was way more interesting than it had any right to be. If, after six previous reviews of the earlier Fables volumes, you haven't gotten the idea that this series is too cool for school, you're clearly a moron. While not quite reaching the awesomeness of the previous volume, Homelands, this one still continues the stupid-high level of excellence writer Bill Willingham established from the beginning. For corn's sake, just buy it already. Also, Jared decided to stop being a lazy sod and finally posted some new reviews of his own. Go give him a piece of your mind...

The NY Giants released three players today: LB Lavar Arrington, LB Carlos Emmons and OT Luke Petitgout. I guess new GM Jerry Reese is instituting a no injured wusses policy.

Seriously though, Emmons was no surprise. He never managed to get fully healthy in any of the three seasons he spent here and they were going to cut him anyway.

Even though he was only going to cost $900,000 against the cap next year, I suppose the team had no faith in Arrington getting healthy again any time soon. Still, I was exited when they signed him last off-season and I wonder if a fully healthy Arrington would have meant an additional win or two last year. He was just starting to play well when he blew out his Achilles tendon and he was an impact player back when he was with the Redskins.

Petitgout finally was living up to his 1st round draft status this year when he broke his leg. He's had back problems in the past and I guess they figured they could plug someone equally good in for less money — in this case David Diehl.

I'm weary of that offensive-lineman-are-interchangable philosophy as we saw musical lines for several years around here under retired GM Ernie Accorsi and the result was an utter lack of continuity and crushing mediocrity. Offensive lines need time to gel before they start to play well as a unit and there's no Tiki Barber next year to make them look better than they are. Petitgout was always average to slightly above average so I'm hoping they can improve that spot moving forward. Hopefully Diehl, who filled in for him last year after his injury, is up to the challenge. At least I hope he is. This move makes signing C Sean O'Hara even more important since changing two players on the line could really mess up the offense and further retard Eli Manning's progress. Eli was really inconsistent last year and I can't see changing OT's and losing Tiki as positives in any way.

Still, none of these moves are crushing to next seasons prospects for success, and I'd like to see what they do in free agency and the draft before declaring 2007 a wash. I'm sure there's going to be many more moves to come...

Hey Kids! Comics!! 02-07-07

I missed last week, so I have a double batch of comickey goodness this week. Yay!

Fantastic Four: The End #5 (of 6)

Alan Davis is the geeks geek. He set out to create a comic starring the FF and every other character in the Marvel Universe. Guess what, he succeeded. I worked in the Bullpen for several years and I can only identify about half the characters crammed into this book. So I guess Davis should be commended for attempting to create the ultimate Marvel fanboy miniseries. That being said, it's a shame the story didn't live up to Davis' aspirations. Until now, that is... This is the best installment of the series thus far, and the first I didn't feel was work to get through. This issue is pure fun, packed with battles between all the heroes and villains Davis spent the last four issues introducing to the rather complicated story. Of course, that was the failing of those first four issues as it almost sunk under it's own confusing weight and got tedious at times. Only Davis' excellent art and obvious enthusiasm for this project has kept me coming back for more. I'm glad my patience has been rewarded as the cliffhanger ending promises that the last issue of this series will be a whole helluva lot of fun. Pick it up or wait for the collected.

Jonah Hex #16

Jonah Hex meets the female version of himself. Of course, being that this is comics, she's still a hottie despite having her face and body and (presumably) her genitalia carved up and disfigured during a particularly nasty rape by a typical scumbag common in Hex. Her scars are much more delicate than Hex's, but run just as deep, if not deeper. It seems as if writers Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti sometimes wants to portray Hex as an indestructible spirit of vengeance. He wanders the West hiring himself out as an assassin to the highest bidder, but somehow only kills the bad guys in the end. Right now, the writing duo is handling this take well. I just hope Hex doesn't turn into some Spectre-like, unkillable vengeance machine with no humanity left to make the character interesting. So far that hasn't happened, and I doubt it will, but I just want to cover my bases now in case it does so I can say "I told you so". Anyway, this issue centers around this new girl. Disfigurement and opium addiction aside, she wants Hex to teach her how to efficiently kill those who have wronged her. Judging by her almost sociopathic disregard for herself and those around her, I get the feeling she'll have no problem picking up the curricula. As you might have guessed, these two crazy kids are clearly made for each other. I smell romance in the air and being that this is Jonah Hex, I'm sure everyone but Hex will be totally dead by the end of this arc. It's a shame, because I already like his new lady friend. The art by Phil Noto is really nice. It's almost too pretty and skillful for such a gritty book, but considering how much crap there is out there, I not going to complain when art is too well done. Jonah Hex is consistently one of the best monthly books out there. Pick it up!

Mystery In Space #6 (of 8)

Captain Comet gets his ass kicked by a bunch of insect assassins and The Weird finally realizes that the religious fanatic scumbags, the Eternal Light Corporation, who he's been shacked up with for the previous five issues are, well, scumbags. He's not that bright, the Weird. I'm not sure if I like the fact that Captain Comet gets beat up by everyone and their grandmother seemingly every month. I mean, what kind of superhero is he? This series is keeping me entertained, though I'll honestly be happy when it ends. As I've said before, Jim Starlin has enough plot for a four or five issue series tops. It's just too thin. Unfortunately, Shane Davis isn't drawing this issue, which is a huge negative. How do you not lock a guy up, especially one as good and in demand as Davis, for the whole freaking mini-series? Get with it, DC! He's replaced by Ron Lim who actually does a much better job than I expected, but still, he's no Davis. Not even close.

Shazam!: The Monster Society Of Evil #1 (of 4)

I have a friend who complains that origin stories are way too drawn out nowadays. That what used to take Kirby and Lee five or six pages takes most modern creators four or five issues. But what did Kirby and Lee know anyway? They could never understand the pathos, melodrama and important, endless minutia that could only be explained at a nice slow pace over the course of a year-long miniseries. Who cares if nothing happens for the first ten issues? Today's creators need their space, man! That hack, Jack Kirby, just never "got it"! In all seriousness, I usually have a hard time getting through origin issues as well. I'm starting to realize a good one is really difficult to pull off successfully. You have to grab the audience and introduce the character and his motivations quickly or said audience (or at least me) will get bored quickly. Luckily, Jeff Smith, creator of the amazing Barks-inspired Bone, understands this. I had some apprehensions about Smith re-imagining one of the most famous superheroes of all time, but that was clearly an idiotic assumption on my part. His writing is so tight that this first issue zooms by at a lightning pace. Smith, as he's shown time and again, simply knows how to tell a great story. Captain Marvel flashes in about halfway through, something of a record considering the hero doesn't even make an appearance in the first issue of a lot of today's origins. Besides Marvel himself, the other two main characters from the Captain Marvel universe are introduced here as well: Billy Batson and Shazam the Wizard. Smith immediately gives the Wizard more personality than he's ever had before. Batson is drawn a little too cutesy and young for my taste, but that's a minor quibble. Overall, this is a great start to what promises to be a damn fun series. Smith's art sometimes seems better suited to "funny Animal", Disney style stories, but that too, is a minor complaint. This is a great comic and worth the ridiculous $5.99 cover price.

The Walking Dead #34

Yet another month of unendingly grim zombie action. Sigh. I'd like just a touch of levity to counter the overwhelming dreariness that confronts the audience every month in this series. I know writer Robert Kirkman's capable of mixing comedy and Armageddon, (just look at the excellent — and superior — Fear Agent) and I'm not saying this book needs pie-in-face slapstick; but just once in a while, it would be nice to have something good happen. Please give us a break, already.

War Of The Undead #2 (of 3)

More undead insanity from the creative team of writer Brian Johnson and artist Walt Flanagan. I said the first issue was the best "undead-Nazi-devil worshiping-scientists-steal-Hitlers-nutsack and try to sustain the third Reich by inventing an unstoppable zombie army" comic so far this year, and it still is. This issue centers mostly around an american werewolf the Nazi's have kidnapped for some reason or another. Somehow this is tied into sticking Hitler's soul (or brain, I'm not sure) into the Frankenstein Monster so the Nazi's and their satanically-powered undead army can take over the world. At the end, Dracula wakes up! Bully for him! Flanagan's art is crude but that suits this book to a tee. It's obvious no one involved is taking anything very seriously. Neither should you. Just enjoy.

Fables Volume 6: Homelands

Bill Willingham continues to surprise me. While March Of The Wooden Soldiers was the best Fables collected volume, he almost topped it with this trip back to the Fable's Homelands. The only reason this doesn't quite beat March is the opening story about Jack, of Beanstalk fame, which almost seems like a throwaway when compared to the epic stories that surround it. Not that it's bad — in fact, it's quite entertaining on it's own merits — it's just that it seems out of place when compared to the more fantastic (and more interesting) stories we're used to in this series. In the title story, we discover that Boy Blue is way more deadly and cunning than he regularly lets on and Prince Charming, though he's a lousy administrator and Mayor, is particularly adept at planning underhanded cloak and dagger operations. This makes sense as Willingham has always portrayed him as a sneaky little shit — imagine Otter with the conscience of Greg Marmalard... Willingham finally divulges the identity of the Adversary. If you read March, I doubt you'll be all that surprised as plenty of clues were dropped along the way to make it obvious enough who that person is. Somehow, this bothered me a little. Granted, I wasn't expecting a "Luke, I am your Father" type revelation, but considering the consistently high levels of storytelling Fables usually reaches, I was hoping for some sort of surprise. Either way, I'm quibbling, as this story is as good an arc as any in the entire series. Check it out!

Tooting My Own Horn

I recently posted my Superbowl predictions, based on equal parts educated guesses, gut feelings and incredible psychic powers. Guess what? I was thisclose to 100% accuracy!!! Hah!! Some non-believers and idiots may opine that I was just repeating the same thing a million other hacks out there were saying ad nauseum. But I can say with the utmost conviction that I tactfully managed to avoid almost all the endless pre-game hype. It was difficult, but I did it and you can choose not to believe me at the risk of ignoring future brilliant predictions! Allow me to briefly encapsulate what was said: Prediction 1:

"The Indy offense will do enough to give them a lead and the defense will get at least one interception and touchdown because, playing from behind, Grossman will be forced to pass and we all know that's just asking for trouble."

Damn!! That's exactly what happened! In fact, the game clinching play was a interception return for a touchdown by the Colts. How did I predict that? It's a trade secret. If I told you, I'd have to kill you... Prediction 2:

"I doubt this game will be a blow out, but by the third quarter, Indy will be in control because the Bears won't be able to run 60% of the time, which is their only real hope of keeping the Colts offense off the field."

Damn, again!! It's uncanny how right I am!! I'm going to Vegas, if they let me step foot in Nevada for fear of putting the Casinos out of business! Final Score:

"Colts: 27, Bears: 17"

I meant to write 29 to 17, but I didn't want to draw the attention of the government or organized crime. With scary psychic powers such as this, they'd just want to turn me into a secret weapon. Still, I was only two points off and that was enough to beat the spread. Now the question is "Do I use my powers for good or evil?" Stay tuned, as only time will tell... Oh, and by the way... I'd like to thank Jared for acknowledging my genius. And Jared, I could tell you where Atlantis is, but I promised them I wouldn't. And those wacky Atlanteans don't forgive transgressions like us surface dwellers do. Besides, I'm planning to steal all that Atlantean treasure and advanced technology for myself. How else can I conquer the known universe? Remember girls, be nice to me now and perhaps I'll allow you to join my harem when I'm the unquestioned dictator of all the known Cosmos...

Eight Miles High

I recently had to fly down to sunny Florida to attend to some family business. The flight was mostly uneventful and even pleasant due to the general excellence of Jet Blue Airlines. I got to see The Last King Of Scotland (Lazy eyed Forrest Whitaker is as good as everyone's saying. The guy deserves an Oscar...) and watch a recap of the Giants 1986 Superbowl victory (Yay!!). Jet Blue is the best. They deserve any success that comes their way. Sadly, that experience is not the norm. Flying, as I'm sure many of you know, is a royal pain in the ass. Especially if you live in the New York City area. If Amtrak wasn't run by a bunch of silly retards, they might even begin to appear as an alternative to air travel since there are so many compelling reasons to avoid flying and there seems to be more every day:

• Hurry Up & Wait, Sucker! — The DMV is a model of efficiency compared to most major airports I've been to. I'm lucky enough to live near a small, manageable one, but if I had to leave from any of the Big Three NYC Airports, I might as well kiss the day goodbye. The FAA recommends that you arrive a ridiculous two hours early for your flight. If you're leaving from JFK International, which often feels like the travelers version of Abu Ghraib (especially on and around holidays), you should give yourself two hours just to fight traffic. Parking at JFK is so far from anywhere on Earth, you could hide WMD's there and no one would ever find them. I used to take cabs and car services to there or LaGuardia and, besides being outrageously expensive, it was always a near miracle if the driver knew where either airport was.
• Airlines Are Greedy Fuckers And Deserve Bankruptcy — I long ago learned to accept that Airlines just won't serve meals anymore. You're lucky if you get a soda and a bag of peanuts. Cost saving measures like that may seem petty, but they probably save millions of dollars a year. However, it's inexcusable that they often overbook flights and overfill reservations past capacity. Loading a full plane takes a long time. Especially when you board the plane 47 rows at a time, guaranteeing that people will rush the entrance trying desperately to board ASAP so they have room to jam their carry-on luggage into the woefully undersized overhead rack before the fucker next to them gets there first. People often carry on as much as possible so they can avoid checking their luggage, which sometimes takes hours to retrieve, if it arrives at their destination at all. I remember one time, years ago, Tower Air sent my Grandmother to Miami and her luggage with all her medication to Chili. I really felt bad for the people on the same flight whose pets were sent to Peru. Now they were angry.
• Color-blind Profiling. Who's kidding who? — Thanks to my Sicilian/southern Italian ditch digger roots (a stereotype, I know... But better than the predominant stereotype of my ancestors), I have a semi-olive complexion straight out of a Scorsese movie (especially when I get some sun), thick eyebrows and curly hair. When I don't shave, I could pass for Saddam Hussein's third cousin once removed. No one's ever going to confuse me for an albino or a Swede. I expect to be stopped and searched. Please, go ahead. It's fucking annoying, but I fit the visual profile of someone who might be smuggling C4 up my anus while screaming about forty virgins. That's an unfortunate reality of this shitty, evil world we live in. Had the geniuses who let me pass bothered, they would have discovered a suitcase full of ratty Mego t-shirts, ancient, more-or-less clean underwear and a dog-eared copy of Bad Movies We Love. They would not have found a pipe bomb or an Al Quaeda membership card. I could then have been on my way, happy in the knowledge that our nation's passenger screeners were vigilant and wary; fighting the good fight and always on the lookout for the next screaming lunatic out to kill innocent people in the name of their motherfucking religion. Of course, that's not what happened. I breezed through, which was wonderful for me since I wasn't inconvenienced or held up in any way. I did see them "randomly" rifling through an elderly woman's carry on. She looked mildly confused and agitated at the idiocy of her situation. The screeners looked like brain-dead automatons, blankly searching through this ladie's bag while sporting a "I'm just following orders, so shut the fuck up and let me finish bothering you" attitude. I'm sure she wasn't smuggling "Osama For President" posters and pearl handled revolvers aboard but that didn't matter. They were randomly doing their jobs so as to not offend our terrorist-looking brothers who are as American as you and me, goddammit!! At least no one's feelings were hurt. They might have had to call their therapist and pay for a good cry session. Boo fucking hoo. Political correctness should not trump common sense. Let the grandma's in wheelchairs pass, please, and start concentrating on young males who comprise 99% of the terrorist work force. It's OK to occasionally pick some folks out at random, but the current policy just wastes time and money.
• "Please return your seat to it's upright position" — One must accept the fact that flying coach means you're "enjoying" the next three to five hours crammed into a seat designed for a 36lb amputee midget. You should consider yourself lucky if you're not squeezed in next to some human/manatee hybrid who's body is comprised of 30% Big Mac. But how, pray tell, is straightening my seat from it's far-from-relaxing 88° tilt to an apparently much safer 90° right angle going to save me if the plane goes down? Will that 2° save me from being pulped as I slam into the earth at 500+ mph? I doubt it. Maybe in the propeller days, reclining seats during landing meant the difference between a safe touch down and a fiery inferno. I'll bet there's no real reason besides some idiotic law held over from olden days. Aviation's equivalent of riding your horse down 5th Avenue between 2pm and 4pm. It's just stupid.

Oh Well, now I'm just nit-picking. There are a multitude of other reasons to avoid flying in this post 9-11 world, but then I'd just be rehashing gripes others have expressed often in the past and much more eloquently. Feel free to contribute your own, however. I'd love to hear another opinion.