1/25/2007

Hey Kids! Comics!! 01-25-07

It was a busy week as several of my regular horror books were out:

Criminal #4

Criminal #4Beautifully done crime drama from Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips. As in any good crime caper, every character seems to be backstabbing and stealing from another. The master lowlife criminal in the middle of all this, Leo, has to figure out a way to keep himself and his ex-junkie girlfriend alive. Yet another common characteristic of good crime capers is half the characters are former or current junkies. Yay, skag!! Don't try and jump into this story in the middle, as you'll be lost, but it's definitely worth your time so wait for the trade paperback.

Criminal Macabre #2

Criminal Macabre #2If, like me, you love well written horror comics with a healthy dose of humor, this is the ideal book. In this issue, the ongoing adventures of Private Eye/Drug Addict Cal McDonald, ancient vampire Nosferatu (or something that looks like him) shows up in Southern California looking for Cal, who's laid up in a hospital bed after getting beat to within an inch of his life in the previous issue. Ol' Cal's also going through major withdrawals from all the pills and booze he's been ingesting constantly for years. Niles story moves along at a quick, clean pace with no unnecessary subplots or filler to bog things down. He definitely understands the "less is more" concept of storytelling, a subject most comic writers could stand to take a class on. If you're going to be influenced by other artists, you might as well pick good one's and Hotz definitely does. Clearly inspired by Bernie Wrightson and Kelly Jones, Hotz seems to get better every issue. Each panel is dripping with well-rendered, horrific detail. He's clearly enjoying himself. Criminal Macabre is comic of the week! Pick it up!

Damned #4 (of 5)

Damned #4 (of 5)If Criminal Macabre weren't so damn good this month, this would win book of the week. As it is, it's still very good. Imagine if most of the characters from The Godfather were demons and you'd have a pretty good idea of what Damned is all about. The main character, Eddie, is a cursed human mobster who acts as a sort of power broker between several factions and gangs of demons. In this issue, war between the families breaks out and all hell (duh!) literally breaks loose. Artist Brian Hurtt creates an amazingly graphic atmosphere. He vaguely reminds me of a less polished Charles Burns, with his strong blacks and stylized feathering. If you haven't read any of Damned before this, I'd highly recommend buying the back issues as the complicated plot won't make any sense jumping in at book 4. Either that or wait for the inevitable trade. You won't be disappointed.

Fallen Angel #12

Fallen Angel #12The Angel makes a deal with the city's biggest drug dealer, which brings her into conflict with her well-meaning, but naive, son, who's also the city's invulnerable magistrate. I love the drug they're all fighting over: it turns people into vampires. Oooga Booga!! This book can get weird and cynical, but Peter David cynical-weirdness is still better than say, Grant Morrison cynical-weirdness, because it actually makes sense and goes somewhere. David has the skill to pull it off. That probably annoys some people, as there seem to be a lot of them out there who absolutely looove pretentious non-sensical storylines, but I appreciate a story. Call me weird.

Hellblazer #228

Hellblazer #228This issue marks the conclusion of the empathy engine storyline, which is a good thing since even for a Constantine story, it was overlong and merely semi-interesting. Luckily, there's a healthy dose of black humor to keep things lighthearted and Constantine is his usual asshole self — arrogant as hell (literally) and self-pitiable. Hellblazer is one of those books you either love or loathe. I've been reading it since issue 1, and I must admit the quality varies from story arc to story arc, but for me, it's like comfort food. Buy it or don't buy it. I don't care. Next issue starts a new arc, so that might be a good time to jump on the Hellblazer bandwagon, kiddies!

Mystery In Space #5 (of 8)

Mystery In Space #5 (of 8)Shane Davis is one of the finest superhero artists around and his superb work alone is a good enough reason to get this book. The fact that it's written by Jim Starlin, master of the trippy-dippy comic book space opera, is just a happy bonus. It's nice to see what can be done with even an inconsequential character like Captain Comet, star of Mystery In Space, if put in the right hands. In this issue, the good Captain infiltrates the evil galactic Church that's planning some sort of nastiness and discovers where all the super assassins that have been kicking his ass are coming from. He's not happy with his discovery. The backup story, drawn by Starlin and starring his own goofy creation, The Weird, is tied into the main Captain Comet story. It appears as if Starlin's going to merge the two storylines rather soon, which is a good thing as, much as I'm enjoying this book, he could have easily condensed 8 issues into 4 or 5 and had a much tighter story.

Supergirl And The Legion Of Superheroes #26

Supergirl And The Legion Of Superheroes #26The Legion battles a more badass version of themselves and the biggest damned robot I've ever seen. It seems the Dominators are looking to take over Earth. For a race of people who call themselves "The Dominators", they never seem to actually succeed in dominating anything of consequence. Perhaps they should concentrate on a planet that doesn't have a fucking Kryptonian and her super powered buddies protecting it! Oh well. I guess, they're called "The Dominators" and not "The Super-Duper Extra-Smart Dominators" for a reason. I like this book, but I wish there was a little more main character interplay and less introduction of new ones. There's already way too many stars in this book and just when it seems writer Mark Waid is getting into developing characters and relationships and making things interesting, he goes away from them and introduces new, less interesting characters.

Fables Volume 5: The Mean Seasons

Fables Volume 5: The Mean SeasonsThis is kind of an extended epilogue to Volume 4, March Of The Wooden Soldiers, and covers the year following that watershed event in this amazing series. This volume is comprised of three separate stories. None approach the excellence of the previous volume, but no one could blame writer Bill Willingham for taking it down a notch after the tumultuous events of March. Besides, he wraps up quite a few loose ends here and creates some new ones presumably to be finished later. The first is a straight up cloak and dagger type story starring Cinderella. She's way more devious and smart than she appears. The second is a WWII flashback to when Bigby was a super secret agent for the Allies. You know he's cool because he enjoys killing Nazi's. Like all good horror stories that take place in a Bavarian castle, the Frankenstein monster makes an appearance, only to quickly be put in his place by Bigby. Yeah. Werd up, mofo. The only thing I don't get — and this is a problem I have with most superhero comics that take place in WWII, so Fables is hardly unique — is why don't the Allies just send Bigby into Berlin to kill Hitler and the rest of the German hierarchy? I mean, this guy operates with impunity behind German lines, is immortal, can wipe out whole companies, and kicks the living shit out of the Frankenstein Monster! Why can't he just break into the Bunker and pop Hitler's diseased head like an annoying pimple? Who'd be able to stop him? War over! Now let's send him over to Japan to play dodgeball with Tojo's organs!! Game over. Or at least it would be if I were running things... Comics have never adequately answered that question. Oh well. The last story concerns the birth of Bigby and Snow White's brood. And they're a bunch of cute little buggers. But they're only half human looking so Snow has to move up to the farm, where Bigby isn't allowed because he was such a dick back in the homelands. Of course he bitches and moans like a spoiled brat, then takes off. Way to support your family, asshole. Also in this story, Prince Charming takes over as mayor, and, true to form, is only good at the pursuit: i.e.: running for office. Now that he's in charge, it turns out he's a terrible administrator. It speaks to Willingham's skill as a writer that he extends the Prince's character flaws into all his pursuits. If you're not reading Fables yet, you're just stupid and dull. Pick it up or pick your nose! For more reviews, check out Jared's Blog. Try not to laugh.

1/22/2007

Superbowl Forty Fookin' One

Superbowl LogoThe Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts will meet on February 4th in Superbowl XLI ( I love Roman numerals - they make everything seem so important). I'm not sure what the early line is but I suspect the Colts will be favored by 4 points or more. This makes sense as they seem to be the better team. While neither team is without it's flaws, the Colts seem to have less of them. At Quarterback, Peyton Manning is the best in the game and light years ahead of the Bears Rex Grossman, who couldn't even start for half the teams in the NFL. Grossman doesn't seem to have much in the way of technique or accuracy. Any success he has completing passes has more to do with his underrated receivers being able to adjust to his poorly thrown, inaccurate passes before opposing defensive backs have time to react. Should the Colts manage to get some pressure on Grossman, he's proven to be mistake-prone at the worst times. Any quarterback will suck if you harass him all day, Grossman just sucks more than most. Additionally, the Colts really impressed me by showing way more grit and character than they ever displayed before by coming back from a 21 to 3 deficit against the Patriots, a team that's won 3 of the past 5 Superbowls. Here's a comparison of each teams units:

Quarterback

What a dweebThe Colts have the great Peyton Manning (the Giants, on the other hand, have the lesser Manning: Eli). The Bears have some guy named Rex. Dogs are named Rex. Not quarterbacks. I never bought the whole arguement that Peyton can't win the big game. Football is the ultimate team sport. The Bears defensive backs are better than the Colts, and will not give Manning an easy time, but he should still get some touchdowns at some point. Edge: Colts Duh. I'd choose Eli Manning over Grossman. Or even Archie...

Running Backs

Hey, now! The Bears might have an edge here. Thomas Jones is a decent all-around back and Cedric Benson, while still trying to live up to the hype of being the 3rd overall pick in the draft last year, has a rare combination of speed and power. Jones is like a poor man's Tiki Barber - he can do it all and he does it well. Until recently, the Colts couldn't stop the run, so on paper, this pair should be able to run all over the place throughout the game. The Colts rely on the tandem of Rookie Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes. Addai is coming into his own and Rhodes is assuming his rightful place as a backup. Neither is as good or versatile as the now-departed-for-the-Cardinals Edgerrin James, winner of the Stupidest Free Agent Award for 2006. Even if James were there, the Colts would have trouble running on the Bears top-rated defense. Edge: Bears The Colts will concentrate on stopping the run, forcing Grossman to pass. Problem is, they're not very good at run defense. If Jones and Benson start to dominate, the Bears will win this game. The Bears have very good linebackers and run stuffers on the defensive line. Led by Brian Urlacher, they'll keep Addai in check and under 100 rushing yards.

Wide Receivers

Mushin Muhammed and Bernard Berrian are an underrated tandem for the Bears. If the Colts don't get a pass rush, they'll make some big plays. Still, it's almost unfair to compare them to the Colts collection of All-Pros. Marvin Harrison is going to the Hall of Fame. I'm sure he'd love to get a Superbowl victory to cap his career. Reggie Wayne is almost as good as Harrison. and would be the #1 receiver on most other teams. If Manning gets the time, these guys will eat the Bears alive. That's a big If, as the Bears have a very good pass rush, but if anyone can score on that defense, it'll be these wide-outs. Colts Tight End Dallas Clark is also a very good pass catcher and provides a good dump off when Manning's in trouble. Edge: Colts I doubt the Bears are intimidated by the Colts wide receivers. They're going to keep them in check, but Harrison and Wayne can break out at any time. The Bears wide outs might make some plays simply because the Colts DB's are merely ordinary and they're more used to adjusting to Grossman's wounded-duck passes than the Colts DB's are.

Offensive Line

The Colts have had the NFL's best offense for several years now, so the line must be doing something right. They'll have their hands full with the Bears Defense, but they've handled good defenses before. The Bears OL is pretty good. I say this simply because if they sucked, they would not be in the Superbowl. They seem especially good at run blocking. If the Colt's speed rushers can get to Grossman, he's proven to make dumb decisions throughout this year, with several multiple interception games. Edge: Colts Their pass blocking is second to none, but if anyone can get to Manning, it would be the Bears.

Defense

Mongo Like CandyThe Bears live and die on defense. While no one except the dumbest of Bears fans (and listening to NFL radio on Sirius, there seems to be a lot of them) would deign to compare this defense to the 1985 unit that destroyed the rest of the NFL (except Dan Marino), they are still one of the best defenses in the NFL this year. They can get to the quarterback, and their linebackers are fast and aggressive. Brian Urlacher is one of the best linebackers in football. Their defensive backfield is good enough to at least keep up with Harrison and Wayne, but if they have to cover man to man regularly, those two will eat them alive. Still, if any team can stop Manning and company, it's the Bears. The Colts, on the other hand, have had trouble on defense, especially run defense, all year. They rely on their offense to generate big leads. That allows the defense to play to their strengths, forcing the other team into playing catch up and then rushing the shit out of the passer. For reasons I can't fathom, they suddenly started playing good run defense in the playoffs after getting eaten alive for stretches during the regular season. They'll need to play tough against the Bears, as I don't see their offense jumping out to a big lead quickly. Edge: Bears Their defense won't intimidate the Colts, but it will hold them in check most of the time. I wonder which Colts defense will show up? The one that's been playing well for the past few weeks, or the sieve-like pansies who were getting run over regularly by every mediocre running back they played.

Final Score

Colts: 27, Bears: 17 The Indy offense will do enough to give them a lead and the defense will get at least one interception and touchdown because, playing from behind, Grossman will be forced to pass and we all know that's just asking for trouble. I doubt this game will be a blow out, but by the third quarter, Indy will be in control because the Bears won't be able to run 60% of the time, which is their only real hope of keeping the Colts offense off the field. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. If you have a different opinion, let me know...

1/18/2007

Hey Kids! Comics!! 01-18-07

It was a slow week at ye olde comik shoppe. None of my favorites were out but I did find some cool new books:

Detective Chimp #1

Detective Chimp #1Because you demanded it, Bill Willinghmam and Sean McManus bring us the most famous chimp detective in the history of chimp detectives. Detective Chimp has always been, obviously, a less than serious character. Accordingly, the creative team plays things mostly for laughs and Willingham's skillful enough as a writer to recognize the inherent goofiness and still tell a good story. Apparently, this is tied into 52, DC's endless crossover that's touching every single book in their line. Now, I haven't read it, since I hate multi-book crossovers, so I have no idea how Detective Chimp fits into the big scheme of things except that he's now somehow affiliated with Dr. Fate, who was always one of my favorite characters in the DC universe (A bunch of years ago, Kieth Giffen and Larry Mahlstat did a great backup run with Dr. Fate in The Flash, which was way better than the title character's story). It seems the whole Dr. Fate concept has been turned on it's head in 52 because that's basically what happens in annoying, pointless, multi-book crossovers. Anyway, to make a long story short, Detective Chimp becomes Dr. Fate, can't handle it, and sends the helmet away. The end. I actually recommend this book, as Willingham has made the title character eminently likable and the story is actually engaging, well drawn and entertaining. Detective Chimp doesn't just think he's the smartest chimp in the room, he knows it. And he'll let anyone around him know it. Then he'll prove it. Somehow, he does this without coming off as an arrogant asshole. That's good writing, kids! This book rates a solid 7.5 out of 10. It would rate at least a point higher if Detective Chimp threw his feces at a bad guy. Maybe next issue. Which I'll definitely be picking up.

Red Menace #3

Red Menace #3The evils of McCarthyism is the central theme of this throwback of a book. I'm enjoying it, mostly due to Jerry Ordway's classy art. The story is ok. At least it's keeping my interest. I'm sure this will be available in a collected trade soon enough so you can wait until then to get it.

War Of The Undead #1 (of 3)

War Of The Undead #1 (of 3)I wasn't going to buy this book, even though I usually give first issues a try, because there seems to be an endless amount of Zombie books out there and most of them aren't very good. But then after taking a closer look at the cover, I realized this book has undead Nazi zombies in it. So I figured it was at least worth a look. Right? I'm glad I did. Rarely does a comic revel in it's own idiocy the way this one does. Writer Bryan Johnson and artist Walter Flanagan have created the best "undead-Nazi-devil worshiping-scientists-steal-Hitlers-nutsack (yes... his NUTSACK) and try to sustain the third Reich by inventing an unstoppable zombie army" comic I've read this month! As if that wasn't enough, there's Dracula (and his brides), Frankenstein's monster, the Wolfman and the Mummy thrown in for good measure. As you might have guessed, no one involved with this book appears to be taking anything all that seriously, but they do seem to be having fun. As an added bonus, they've also included loads of graphic zombie violence, so all you gorehounds should be pleased. The only criticism I really have is that there are no good guys yet to balance out the scumbag Nazi's. I'm sure next issue will reveal all. I'll be there!

Zombies Vs. Robots #2

Zombies Vs. Robots #2I picked up the first issue of this book and found it a little thin in the story department. Fortunately, it has a cool premise which the title sums up nicely, so I was hoping it would pick up a little with issue 2. Sadly, the story is still light at best, and illogical at worst, but at least things end with a nuclear blast. Who doesn't love a nuclear conclusion? Next issue sounds even more promising: Amazons Vs. Zombies Vs. Robots, so I'll think about it. At this point the main thing that keeps me coming back is the beautifully, illustrative art by Ashley Wood. He is one talented dude and a perfect example of how great art can make an OK story seem better than it is.

Fables Volume #4 (of 8, so far): March Of The Wooden Soldiers

Fables Volume #4 (of 8, so far): March Of The Wooden SoldiersRebounding from what I felt was a slight let down in volume 3 of his excellent Fables series, Bill Willingham delivers the best Fables story arch yet. The main plot of March of the Wooden Soldiers revolves around an attempt by the Adversary — the Sauron-like overlord who conquered the Fable's homelands — to invade our world and destroy Fabletown with thousands of murderous, grown-up Pinocchio's. It seems he's forcing Geppetto to create them, or so we're led to assume. I suspect things are not as they seem. The one major subplot involves grown up Red Riding Hood, returned from the dead and seeking asylum in Fabletown. It seems she has quite a history with Little Boy Blue and Bigby (Almost everyone seems to have a history with Bigby). I always thought Blue was gay. After reading this book, it's obvious I was dead wrong. Willingham weaves all these subplots together into one amazingly coherent story arc and sets up volume 5, The Mean Season, nicely. Mark Buckingham, whose style was always beautifully suited to this type of book, does an excellent job with the art. Everyone involved seems to give a damn. I appreciate that. Pick it up! For more comic reviews, check out Jared's Blog. He thinks he knows what he's talking about. See you next week. Be there or be square!

1/15/2007

Stripping (Wallpaper) Ain't Fun

DIF Wallpaper StripperI had the day off earlier this week so I finally decided to tackle a project I've been putting off for over three years. I stripped the hideous 80's-era wallpaper off our bathroom walls. After spending nine hours sponging on wallpaper stripper and scraping off multiple layers of plastic, waterproof paper, I now understand why homeowners often paint right over their old wallpaper on all those home improvement shows. My house, built in 1987, unfortunately retains much of the same original owner's ideas of decor. When we bought the house, we didn't have an extra $50,000 to modernize the interior to our taste so we were stuck with 1980's carpets, walls and colors. Slowly, we've been repainting the house one room at a time. As the old owner's color palette ranged from neutered-vanilla-beige to subtle-yet-boring-barely-pink, anything was an improvement, so we've been covering the walls in different rooms in greens, yellows and reds. At this point, all that's left to do is the master bedroom/bath and dining room. The dining room is daunting, to say the least, as it's filled with large, heavy pieces of furniture that have to be moved, and the walls are covered in dark blue wallpaper. After this weekend, I'm not looking forward to removing it. Our bathroom was also covered in wallpaper in a pattern I like to call "Electric Vomit". The pattern was a shiny plastic white field dotted with silver and black specks and streaks. Who ever applied it did a pretty good job as, despite the fact that it was in a bathroom, where, after 20 years of shower generated steam and moisture, it was not bubbling or peeling up anywhere. I realize they chose that type of wallpaper because it's so moisture resistant — it's double-layered, with the top layer acting as a waterproof barrier. That very quality made the removal job so difficult. Turns out no matter how much I scored it, the chemical remover could not penetrate the top "plastic" layer. After two applications of remover, I peeled off the top layer only to discover that the bottom one was still stuck to the wall as well as the day it was applied. This required an additional three applications of the chemical stripper, and inch by inch scraping while it was still damp. Happily, it's done now. All I have to do is scrape the popcorn ceiling down to the sheet rock. That should be easy enough...

1/11/2007

Hey Kids! Comics!! 01-11-07

It was a light week this time around. That usually happens after a lot of my faves come out the week before.

Green Lantern Corps #8

Green Lantern Corps #8Hal Jordan (AKA: Mr. Personality) is rarely the focus of this book and that is such a wonderful thing. I always found him to be the least interesting major character in the DC universe. I just haven't decided if I like the new direction the Green Lantern Corps is taking. Dave Gibbons was doing a nice job as the writer of this series. When he drew issue #6, I was very happy. Now he's gone. Attempting to fill his rather large shoes are writer Keith Champagne and artists Patrick Gleason and Prentis Rollins. While it's not like trying to follow Miller and Mazzuchelli, it's still not easy to make people forget. The current plot concerns an undercover mission to the Dominator's home world. Granted, the Dominators are pretty nasty characters, but why do Green Lantern's need to go undercover except under the most extreme circumstances? You'd think with the almost unlimited power of their rings, they'd probably be more effective as blunt instruments: fly in en masse and kick some major butt. I'm sure an explanation was given last issue as to why the subterfuge was necessary, but I've long since forgotten what it was. Either way, I can buy the fact that Green Lanterns would be susceptible to psychic attacks, but they still don't always act all that bright. There is some nice character play so I'm willing to give the new team a chance to grow into this book.

Superman & Batman vs. Aliens & Predators #1 (of 2)

Superman and Batman vs. Aliens and PredatorsThis is perhaps the most high concept comic of the year. DC's two most popular characters co-starring with two of fandom's most well known properties. Genius! I just assumed this would suck, but how could I not pick it up anyway? Before I even read it, I assumed two things:
  1. Superman will somehow be weakened — Either through a red sun, or polka-dot kryptonite, Superman's powers will be severely diminished or in some way negated. How else could this get off the ground? If Superman were at full strength, there is no comic. He'd squash the aliens and predators in half a panel, blindfolded with both hands tied behind his back. End of story. That won't happen, though, or issue #2 will be pretty uneventful.
  2. Batman will save the day even though he's physically the weakest character in the entire book and is way out of his league in this crowd — I call this the JLA rule. When I was reading that book as a kid in the 1970's, Batman inevitably saved the day against some ridiculously powerful super villain, usually called something like "Mutato the Planet Destroyer", despite the fact that Mutato had just beat the living shit out of Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash and the entire Green Lantern Corps a few pages earlier. Usually, this was because Batman was so super-cool-smart that he could deduce that Mutato was allergic to liquefied colubus monkey pubic hair because of the microscopic traces of limestone derivative found in Mutato's dead girlfriend's diaphragm (it made no sense to me either, but those mid-70's DC writers never let that stop them). So even though the entire adventure that month took place inside the rings of Saturn, Batman would still find a way to get there in the Bat-Rocketship (usually with Green Arrow, another out-classed regular human, tagging along), somehow manage to not get killed dodging all the flying super-heroes, sneak up on Mutato in the void of space (despite the fact that Mutato had just drop-kicked Superman through Pluto), and spray pureed colubus pubies into Mutato's face (sometimes GA would use a booby trapped boxing glove arrow to distract him), thus causing him to mutate into an ordinary, albeit evil, convenience store clerk.
Anyway... That's the long winded mindset I was in when I started reading this book. Turns out it's much better than I expected. Unfortunately, it is implied that Superman is less powerful underground when not exposed to the Sun. This, of course, is where the Aliens and Predators happen to be hiding out. But at least when a pack of aliens jump him, they still present little challenge, as one would assume. Still, it annoys me when writers get lazy and selectively use lack of sunlight as a crutch to make Supes easier to beat up. Batman also acts as I expected: He beats the crap out of some 15-foot-tall predator who looks like he could pop Batman's head like a pimple. It turns out he built some super duper electric charger into his arctic bat suit. Hey! He's Batman, dammit! he thinks of everything! Granted, this guy was no Mutato, but he's still pretty nasty in an extraterrestrial sort of way and definitely out of Batman's league. Anyway, the aliens are kind of incidental in this issue. I'm sure they'll take a more prominent role next month as it seems as if the big, bad Government will be the true bad guys. Writer Mark Schultz keeps the story energetic. It moves at a nice quick pace and artist Ariel Olivetti does a beautiful Alex Ross-inspired job with the art. Pick it up or wait for the collected edition. I was entertained!

Fables Trade Paperback #3 (of 8, so far): Storybook Love

Fables Trade Paperback #3: Storybook LoveThis installment doesn't contain just one big story arch, but rather three smaller ones. All three were very good with the highlight being a plot by Bluebeard to kill Bigby and Snow White. That story was good but I really prefer the epic 7 or 8 issue story when reading about these characters. Writer Bill Willingham weaves such engrossing tales at such a nice pace, his stories really work well over a longer arch. Also included in this collection: Bigby and Snow White finally get it on, though they weren't aware of it at the time, the Goldilocks storyline is finally wrapped up (though I think she'll be back) and Prince Charming makes a move to better his standing in life in his own inimitably sleazy way. As usual, every story is worth your time. Check it out! For more comics reviews this week, check out Jared's Blog.

1/10/2007

Tom Must Go! Tom Must Go!

The Devil Himself The Giants management just announced that they're bringing back Head Coach Tom Coughlin for yet another year of misery and mediocrity. Hooray for .500!!!! Tom Must Go. That will be the rallying cry for every Giants fan the world over until it actually comes true at the end of next year when, just like this year, the underachieving Giants quit on their coach. It's hard to give a damn about winning and losing when all you feel is seething contempt. That's human nature. That's the Giants. This season's disappointing record could've almost been justified due to the spate of crucial injuries that rendered the defense average at best. But only if it were apparent that the players actually cared. The absence of discipline, lackadaisical play, and utter lack of urgency are signs of a team that stopped listening around week 9. They'll be turning a deaf ear in 2007 by week 5. If in previous seasons, there was a track record of excellence and success under Tom Coughlin, like Bill Cowher in Pittsburgh, then it could be argued that this current team is merely in need of a bit of luck and an attitude adjustment. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Coach seems to be universally reviled. Tiki Barber recently complained about how he hates being treated like child. It's not the first time he's dumped on TC. This is a situation that's not likely to improve. To make matters worse, the Giants go into 2007 without the now retired Barber, their best player, who despite hating the coach, continued to play at a Superman-like level. Hopefully, Brandon Jacobs will take over full time RB duties, stay healthy and do well enough that fans and management won't be looking toward the 2008 draft for the next great Giants RB. Even if he plays lights out all year, he won't really replace Tiki. No one could. I hope he can handle it the responsibilty. It's not easy to step in for a near-legend. Especially right now and on this team. There's trouble on the horizon. 36 year old Micheal Strahan, recovering from a season-ending injury, will be back. He's currently saying all the right things about his coach, but from what I've read, he has no love lost for ol' Tom, either. I hope he has at least one more year of all-pro play in him as Osi Umeniyora often looked lost without Strahan taking on some of those double teams on the opposite side of the defensive line. At some point, Mathias Kiwanuka will be ready to take over full time but it may take another year. (It should be noted that when that happens, the Giants will have the most unpronounceable pair of defensive ends in NFL history!! I can't wait for some of those empty-head NFL analysts to start screwing that up...). Jeremy Shockey will be back, at least until his annual ankle/shoulder/foot/head/(red)neck/rib/whatever injury. He hates Coughlin, too. hat probably won't affect his play, as Shockey isn't capable of slacking off. But it does influence others who aren't as passionate as he is. Just hold onto the ball, Jeremy, and the fans will love you no matter what nugget of wisdom spews forth from your mouth. Plaxico Burress, the most talented Giants WR since Homer Jones, will be back. Maybe he'll even try on every play. Amazingly, he's gone two years without a major incident with TC. Considering the oil and water nature of their respective personalities, I'd say that's an amazing accomplishment. It seems Plax is more professional than everyone previously thought, or Coughlin is more tolerent. Whichever. I put the odds this year on a there being a major blow-up between them at 3 to 1. It should be a doozy. Lavar Arrington, their big defensive free agent signing will return. Let's hope the achilles tendon he tore is fully healed. They're going to need him to stay healthy if the defense will ever stop opposing offenses in 2007. Problem is he hasn't been healthy in four years. The Giants most important, and frustrating, player, Eli Manning, will be back. I don't know how he feels about TC since he never shows any actual human emotion. The big question is will he progress to the next level or continue his psychedelic journey into the magical world of Dave Brown? Will we see the Eli who led a brilliant 4th quarter comeback in the first Eagles game? Or the clueless boy "wonder" who keeps missing open receivers at the worst possible times. Perhaps some insightful coaching could help him with his maddening inconsistency. He's not progressing under Coughlin, and I don't think he can improve until Tom Terrific is pink slipped sometime after their 9 and 7 2007 season. Here's my prediction for next year's NFC East: Eagles: 11-5 Cowgirls: 10-6 Giants: 9-7 Redskins: 7-9 Sometime before next season, I'll update that, since a lot happens in the offseason, and predict the entire NFL. Should be fun. More fun, at least, than the Giants will be.

1/05/2007

Hey Kids! Comics!! 01-05-07

It was a fairly big week for me. I got back to my regular comic shop after 10 blessed days of vacation in a row. The worst thing about vacation is that it ends. :(

Astonishing X-Men #19

Astonishing X-Men #19I never thought I'd say this, but an X-Men comic is the best super-hero book currently being produced. Joss "Buffy" Whedon and John "Planetary" Cassaday, two of the best talents in the business are, as usual, in top form every month. Each issue is fun to read and gorgeous to look at. Pick it up! Or save some cash and wait for the inevitable collected edition. There should be a new one ouuuut..... now.

The Boys #6

The Boys #6The most cynical comic in history just gets more nasty in this, the book that makes Marshall Law look like The Care Bears. Everyone's an asshole, heroes and anti-heroes alike. Jared doesn't like a book filled with nothing but "SOB's" but I appreciate the constant, pervading gloom that seems to hang over every page. It's very apt for these DubyaBushian times. In this issue, Huey acquires a new hamster. How this comes to pass is worth the $2.99 cover price. Fuggin' funny.

Criminal Macabre: Two Red Eyes #1

Criminal Macabre: Two Red Eyes #1Writer/creator Steve Niles clearly enjoys writing about this character, a private dick/drug addict/supernatural investigator/fuck-up named Cal MacDonald, who's best buddy is an undead ghoul. This is a continuation of the great, defunct series Last Train To Deadsville, also starring Cal MacDonald, and drawn by the excellent, Wrightson-loving Kelly Jones. New artist Kyle Hotz does a great Jones imitation and, like Niles, seems to be enjoying himself. There's humor, horror, gore and an pervasive sense of fun. This is my favorite book of the week. Even if you're not a horror fan, it's worth picking up!

Fantastic Four: The End #4 (of 6)

Fantastic Four: The End #4More super-hero goodness from Alan Davis, who, I'm convinced, is incapable of putting out crap even if he wanted to. This is way better than any of the regular, monthly FF books. Pick it up now or wait for the collected. Either way, you'll do fine.

Fear Agent #10

Fear Agent #10It seems the Fear Agent has an ex-wife. I thought he was the last surviving human in the universe. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps not. Time travel stories can be so confusing.

Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage #2 (of 2)

Guy Gardner #2In this issue, Guy Gardner kicks some more alien ass and makes more "witty" comments. I'm not sure what's going on here nor do I care all that much. Too late to figure it out since the series is now over. Chaykin has done better.

Jonah Hex #15

Jonah Hex #15The revival of this classic badass western character continues with part 3 (of 3) of his violent (what else did you expect) origin. Jonah Hex is consistently one of the best monthly comics out there. If you're not reading it, you're clearly an idiot and I don't want to know you.

Red Prophet #5

Red Prophet #5This is an overly wordy book. Apparently, it's been adapted by Orson Scott Card from one of his novels. He really needs an editor. Comics shouldn't be work to read. The rather complicated plot takes place in an alternate historical reality and revolves around an alcoholic Indian (of the Native American variety) who suddenly gains psychic powers and starts to get the best of whitey. Power to the people!! It's worth checking out if you start from the beginning and have time to kill. Don't bother jumping in in the middle of the story because you'll just be lost.

Fables Trade Paperback #2: Animal Farm

Fables TP #2: Animal FarmIn keeping with my promise to buy all the Fables trades, this is book 2 in a series of 8. In this volume, writer Bill Willingham gives us his version of Orwell. Snow White and Rose Red take a trip to the Upstate New York annex of the non-human looking fables, only to discover that the bestiality-loving Goldilocks, along with the three pigs, have taken over in a bloody coup. Viva La Revolution!! Seems Goldi's power-mad and everyone else wants to invade the Fables homelands because they're homesick and not all that bright. Willingham takes the usual swipes at communists, dictators, the madness of crowds and dickery in general. Whatever. It's a wonderful read and it has a much happier ending than Orwell's original downer of the same name so pick it up! It's a load of fun!

1/04/2007

New Titles For The Blog...

Witness The Hero...Coming up with a new title is way more difficult that I originally assumed. "Interesting Times" is unoriginal and I'm already sick of it so I want something new that will last a while. The problem is, for me, it's a lot like a tattoo: I don't want to change it again, whatever title I eventually settle upon is what I want to live with for a long time. I tried to think in terms of what I might be happy with 10 years from now. Please let me know what you think. All these have potential (in no particular order):

  • Pulling Your Leg (Less is more. I might go for this one.)
  • Gruntosaurus Rex (My possible fave. Google doesn't return anything of substance, and it sort of fits into that sophomoric humor space I love so...)
  • Unspecial Needs (Obviously, a play on "special needs". Not sure if it'll be perceived as too assholish...)
  • Seeds Of Injection (Almost tossed this one in the "maybe" pile)
  • Emetic Passings (Vomit references are kewl)
  • Sucking IpeCac (I like this one too. Kinda dirty, but not really...)
  • Things That Would (Simple. Elegant. It's a possibility)
  • I Live In The Woulds (A play on my old title. It's just kinda, idunno... gay?)
  • Leaving Lawngeilnd (Say it fast. This has potential but is it too difficult to "get"?)
Ladies and Gentlemen: Prez!!Some maybes and maybe-nots:
  • Awkward Pause (Surprisingly, a Google Search turned up no blogs with this name. There is, however, an awkwardpauses.blogspot, which is close enough.)
  • Kiss The Chocolate Starfish (Too obviously filthy. Lacks sublety, even for me...)
  • What Would Homer Do? (Too Simpsons)
  • What Would Satan Do? (It's been done. But I still like it.)
  • Short Bus Trips (Not sure if I want to be perceived as a tard hater)
Putting giant sequoias in their placeSome other titles I like but probably won't use:
  • Bears Do What In The Vatican? (Too religious)
  • Religion Is Stoopid (Too one note and anti-religious)
  • What Would GG Do? (I love GG Allin. But I don't want his name attached to my blog)
  • The Evil That Men Poo (I love this title. It's just a tad more scatalogical than I was going for)
  • Hairy Legs and Pits (Two things I never really liked on women. Why would I want to remind myself of this all the time?)
  • Yechhy Thoughts (Implies that I only have filthy thoughts. Even if it's true, I don't want people presuming what I'm always going to write about.)
  • Treasure Trails (A wonderful thing on a lady. Just a little too stupid/suggestive)
  • Thongs Of Endearment (Too stupid. Although I do love thongs. On women, that is...)
  • Jeffy And Dolly Git It On (Too Family Circus, but the filthiness implied by this is way cool)
  • Grunt Biscuits And Tea (Doodie jokes are funny. That's a funny title.)
Please tell which of these is your favorite! Thanks!

Internet Explorer 7: It Ain't All That

IE 7I just installed IE (Internet Explorer) 7.0, Microsoft's latest version of it's ubiquitous web browser, on my computer at work because we need to test some websites in it. After using it for a while now it's painfully obvious that Microsoft simply isn't capable of creating good software anymore (there are those who would argue that they never did). IE 7, much like their new version of Windows, called Vista, seems to be a perfect example of corporate design-by-committee crapola. They tried to please everyone, in the end they satisfy no one, and still offer nothing new and compelling. It's hard to believe Microsoft took this long to come up with a warmed over version of Firefox. With their resources, you'd think they'd at least attempt to rethink and reinvent the browsing experience. Perhaps come up with something — anything — new and groundbreaking or at the least, original. But that's never really been their style. Instead, they appear to have merely copied features from Firefox, such as tabbed browsing, built-in pop-up blocking, anti-phishing tools and advanced add-on (extension) management and twisted them to fit the ugly Microsoft GUI (itself, a ripoff of the Macintosh OS). Granted, these were all enhancements they needed to make years ago so I'm glad they did, but they're hardly compelling reasons for Firefox users to switch back to IE. I understand there are many welcome enhancements "under the hood", but I'm really only concerned with the front end usability of IE. Most users, especially those who think the "'E' icon is where the internets is", will upgrade (whether they want to or not) when they buy a new computer so eventual mass adoption is inevitable. But this will not put out the Fire(fox), if you will. Eventually, I'd guess up to 25% of Internet surfers will use Firefox exclusively over IE (with an additional 5% to 10% using Apple's Safari). This is a wonderful thing. Anything that keeps MS in check is good for the consumer, as a monopoly only benefits the monopolist. Choice is good. Competition is gooder. Since Microsoft had no real competition for IE for several years, there was no reason to improve it so they stopped development at version 6. It didn't matter that it had awful standards support and, since it's so tied into Windows (hardly a bastion of stability and security itself) it proved to be a virtual red carpet for virus', spyware and whatever other malware every little geek criminal could dream up and infect people's PC's with. Microsoft, of course, could give a shit, since, unless you were using a Mac or Linux, there were no other viable alternatives. It was IE or nothing, suckers. I find it funny that now that people are switching to Firefox and Apple, MS suddenly cares about security. Get FirefoxAdditionally, I.T. professionals secretly love the inherent crappiness of both IE and Windows. It's built-in shortcomings keep them employed and in demand. It's the best explanation I can think of as to why businesses stick with Windows. Why else would I.T. departments continually torture themselves with endless patches, irate phone calls and unnecessary hardware upgrades. It puts money in everyone's pockets and keeps the home team happy. Were I in their shoes, I'd feel the same way. It's understandable. Don't rock the boat. They've spent years building giant infrastructures just to keep the Windows house of cards standing. Why give all that up? Hell, since Microsoft still refuses to fully adhere to common CSS standards, I'll still need to retest everything I've worked on in IE 7 that functioned properly IE 6. So it even keeps me busy at my job. You never know what site's broken and what's not. Initially, when the Mozilla Foundation released Firefox, I'm sure it was assumed this upstart would whither on the vine much like it's distant ancestor, Netscape Navigator, did as soon as MS started including IE as the default browser in Windows. Thankfully, that hasn't happened. Currently, it's estimated that Firefox now commands a 14% market share, concurrently, IE's has dropped below 80% for the first time in years (market share stats, it should be noted, vary wildly depending on who is providing the stats, so the figures will be greater or smaller for everone depending on the provider). Thus, Microsoft "rushed" out IE 7 ("rushed out" is relative - giant companies never move fast, they simply can't: too many layers of bureaucracy) to try to respond to the growing Firefox problem. But it's too late. The cat got out of the bag before Gates and Ballmer had a chance to drown it. I couldn't be happier. You can prove how cool you are by downloading the latest version of Firefox here.

1/03/2007

Hurra Torpedo

I recently came across this particular bit of idiocy on YouTube: Funny stuff. Apparently, it's been making it's way around the 'net for a while now. Shows how "with it" I am. YouTube is a load of fun, though. Enjoy it now before it's sued out of existence.